Today, I’m announcing my candidacy for Philippine president.

Never mind that I’m not Filipino.

If anyone questions my background, I will simply label them a racist. (This strategy works well in America). Below is my 19 point platform, and I hope I can count on the illegal foreigner expat vote to get elected. Today, I’m announcing my candidacy for Philippine president. Never mind that I’m not Filipino. If anyone questions my background, I will simply label them a racist. (This strategy works well in America). Below is my 19 point platform, and I hope I can count on the illegal foreigner expat vote to get elected.

My Not Politically Correct Platform

1. Only English may be spoken when foreigners are present.
2. Only English may be spoken when foreigners are not present.
3. Breweries in other countries will be invited to manufacture and sell their product tax-free. If a foreign brewery wants to manufacture their product in Manila, their countries foreign embassy will be forcefully vacated so the brewery can use the building. (It’s simply a matter of priorities.)
4. Population control will be handled by the church. Various forms of birth control will be distributed with the communal bread and wine. Churches failing to cooperate will be converted to foreign embassies.
5. All National Book Stores will be converted to regional distribution centers for Amazon.com.
6. Karaoke machines louder than a Harley Motorcycle will be confiscated. On second thought, all karaoke machines will be confiscated.
7. The company officers of Globe, Smartbro, and the other Filipino Internet companies will be imprisoned until internet speeds are comparable to other countries.
8. All Jollibee will be converted to Dairy Queens. (The only thing I like at Jollibees is the ice cream.)
9. Any product containing rice will carry the following label. “Warning, this product can be addictive.” (Basically, this means all Philippine products will carry this label)
10. Skin whitening products will be prohibited nationwide.
11. The Christmas season will begin Dec 24 and end Dec 26.
12. Just for fun, all Philippine call center employees will be trained to speak English with an Indian accent.
13. We will start a war with a country having a weaker military than ours, provided one can be found.
14. A national holiday will be observed for my birthday. By my calculations, this means the annual number of Philippine work/school days will be 7.
15. We will make various unreasonable demands on other countries for aid. If they fail to acquiesce, we will threaten to open Jollibee restaurants every 100 meters in their countries.
16. Halo Halo ingredients will be standardized.
17. A new international online shopping site will be sponsored and supported by Philippine companies. Whenever a shopper tries to purchase an item, a friendly message, “out of stock” will be sent. Filipino’s everywhere in the world will feel like they are home.
    The number of beauty pageants a town or city is allowed will be reduced to three per day.
18. Cockfights will be illegal. Rooster fights will be legal.

Remember, vote for ‘Steve the Balikbayan’ in the next election, and thank you for your support. (FYI: If Bob Martin decides to run, I will graciously step aside.)